Resilience: The Secret Ingredient to Overcoming Anything
“Let’s all remember how strong we are. We can lose sight of this during times of uncertainty.”
As much as we wish it weren’t so, life is always going to have uncertainty. If you ever expect it to be smooth sailing all the time, a shift of expectation might be necessary. There are plenty of things outside of our control that can impact us and create circumstances or situations that are harder than we want them to be. It’s part of the human experience to face both good times and bad, and it’s helpful to be prepared for it. That’s why resilience is so important. It’s the secret ingredient that can help you overcome any of life’s challenges, big or small.
We can look at the Covid-19 situation as a prime example… If we learned anything as a collective society over the past two years, it’s that we can get through anything. Though the pandemic continues to deal an uncertain hand and we continue to find grounding, we can take comfort in implementing tools and skills to help us not only stabilize life, but find out own version of thriving.
How did you make it through?
There are several factors that might have helped you get through challenging times in your life (like the pandemic, a divorce, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job), but the most important factor is your resilience. Defined by Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary a “the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens”, resilience is quite literally your ability to overcome, work through, and move on from adversity… and it’s the secret ingredient to getting over any obstacle, stressor, or challenging time in your life.
Resilience is what allows you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off after you fall down. It gives you the courage to start again if you fail. It is the small whisper gently nudging you forward when you’re grappling with sadness, anger, disappointment, heartbreak, or despair.
What creates resilience
Resilience is a vital component of happiness and success, because it’s what gives you the strength to move through hard times. There are two interesting things about resilience… the first is that it is something we can learn and strengthen with practice. The second is that it is not one single attribute, but the intersection of several, including:
● perseverance
● adaptability and agility
● self-compassion & self-awareness
● a commitment to yourself and to your goals
● a willingness to learn from failure and strife
● an ability to shift your mindset from the negative to the positive
All of these qualities are important individually, but the point at which they intersect is the super star of our emotional toolbox… resilience. If you’ve ever experienced hardship and found yourself wanting to give up, throw in the towel, or hide from life… that’s normal. It happens to the best of us. But the moment you decided not to is the moment you found your resilience.
How can you strengthen your resilience?
Resilience is not just one single moment, nor is it a final destination. Not at all. Resilience is a mindset that you carry with you that stands as one of your foundational ways of being. Your resilience may ebb and flow at times and it may not always be as strong as you need it to be, but it is always there.
The wonderful thing about resilience, aside from the fact that you always have it, is that it is not static. You can actually train yourself to be more resilient through practice. By focusing on any single quality that makes up resilience, you can strengthen yours.
Strengthening your resilience is not something to be done in one fell swoop. In fact, the opposite is true. A consistent process of mental micro-steps will create mindset shifts and boost your resilience. Here are a few that I recommend to strengthen resilience…
Find the Opportunity
One of the most valuable mindset shifts you can make to build your resilience is learning to find the opportunity within the struggle. In almost any circumstance, you can train your brain to identify valuable take-aways like lessons, learning opportunities, or moments of gratitude in the proverbial eye of the emotional storm. The challenge itself won’t go away just by practicing this shift in thinking, but it will reduce your emotional charge somewhat and strengthen your resilience. Both of these small shifts can make it easier to cope with the difficulty, work through the uncomfortable emotions you may be feeling, and find a way to move forward.
Understand Your Triggers
Another mindset shift that will help strengthen your resilience is deepening your self-awareness. By understanding yourself better, including what makes you tick and what triggers you, you will be able to recognize when your own internal triggers may be inflating the crisis or making the difficult situation worse. When you know this, you can better contain your emotional reactivity to your triggers and connect to your resilience faster and more effectively.
In fact, it can be helpful to develop your own go-to action plan to turn to when you get overly triggered. If you know ahead of time that certain situations (like rejection or the loss of something important) can put you into an emotional tailspin, take time now (when you’re not stressed or triggered) to draw up a plan you can use in those exact moments when you find yourself in an emotional crisis. That plan can include simple things like:
● self-care activities, such as a relaxing bath, cooking a healthy meal, or exercise to boost your brain functioning
● self-compassion practices, such as meditating, repeating positive mantras, and giving yourself an emotional time-out
● reminders of when you’ve survived similar situations in the past
● distractions to help you refocus your brain
● baby steps you can take to start moving on from the challenging circumstance (for example, if you lost your job you can start researching salaries of new jobs you could apply for)
Give Yourself Space
Resilience is not an all-or-nothing state… you can be angry, frustrated, or ambivalent and be resilient at the same time. In those cases, resilience may encourage you to actually take a step back, walk away from the problem for a while, or give yourself a break.
In fact, it may seem counterintuitive but sometimes you can figure out how to resolve the issue when you’re not focused on the problem at all.
Have you ever found yourself having a moment of insight when you’re doing the dishes or taking a walk? That doesn’t happen by accident. Even when we’re not actively thinking about a problem, our brain is still working on it on some level. By taking a break, you’re giving the creative part of your brain the space it needs to think differently about the situation. That’s part of resilience!
Don’t Forget the Gratitude
Practicing gratitude can also help build and strengthen your resilience. When we are triggered, our emotions tend to “hijack” our brains… that means that we can get overcome with a heightened emotional state and stop thinking clearly. Positive emotions like gratitude can help us regulate our emotions and regain control of our mental state, both of which help bring out our resilience.
Developing a consistent gratitude practice doesn’t have to be hard… here are some simple ways to easily connect to a sense of gratitude when you’re having a difficult time:
● Keep a gratitude journal and write down 5 things you’re grateful for every day
● Stop what you’re doing and identify 3 things you’re grateful for when you’re feeling frustrated
● Use a meditation app (like Calm or Insight Timer) to do a gratitude meditation
● Repeat gratitude mantras and affirmations to yourself every morning
● Practice saying “I’m grateful for…” whenever some small event happens that makes life easier (like making a green light or not getting stuck in traffic)
Practice (Doesn’t) Make Perfect
Remember, resilience is a constant process not a destination. That means that resilience is something you will be practicing for the rest of your life. It’s impossible to be perfect at it, and expecting yourself to be is actually a step backwards. Every time you come face to face with one of the challenges that life can throw at you, you have an opportunity to practice being resilient in the presence of that uncertainty. Sometimes you’ll do it well and your resilience will propel you past the obstacle… other times you may struggle to connect with it, but that’s okay. The more you practice being resilient, the stronger your resilience will grow and the more prepared you’ll be for the next challenge life throws your way.
About Babita
Babita Spinelli, LP, JD is a renown Psychotherapist and Certified Coach. She provides an empowering space for clients to explore what holds them back while challenging them to make changes to reach their goals. Babita works with individuals who are experiencing significant life transitions and couples looking to improve or rebuild their relationship. Additionally, she has a strong focus on work-life balance and mental health in the workplace. Babita was the recipient of the 2019 New York Psychotherapist Award, featured as the top ten leading women entrepreneurs in New Jersey and is frequently featured in the media internationally as an expert. She is a Certified Gottman Level 2 Therapist, Relationship Expert, Divorce Coach and Parent Coordinator. Her therapy and coaching programs are offered virtually throughout the country and internationally. Learn more about Babita on her websites, Embrace Coaching and Opening the Doors Psychotherapy.
